Maryam Doesn’t Have a Little Lamb Anymore
By Leila Sabry Auburn, Australia (1:00 P.M. AEST)– On Saturday morning, 8 year-old Maryam Fahza reported her lamb missing to both her parents and the local police. Maryam offered the following…
Husain Abdullah Missed Kaba By 17 Degrees
By Yahya Ridwan NY, New York (1:00 P.M. EST)–On Tuesday morning, NFL Commissioner and Chief Football Mufti, Roger Goodell, presented rationale for the unsportsmanlike conduct penalty assessed against Husain Abdullah…
Emma Watson’s Dowry Plummets After U.N. Speech, Says Local Sexist
By Layla Sabry Citing Emma Watson’s rousing feminist speech at the U.N. speech last Saturday, local sexist and expert goat-herder Javeed Memon announced a significant drop in Watson’s predicted dowry.…
ISIS Calls On Supporters To Destroy The AFC West
By Yahya Ridwan New York, NY (3:10 P.M. GMT)–Speaking from the back of his jeep, ISIS spokesman and in-house NFL expert Yusuf Al-Baltimori called on ISIS supporters in the west…
Muslim Dude Gives No Effs, Swipes Right During Khutbah
By Layla Sabry Seattle, WA (1:30 P.M. PST)–Following a packed jum’ah prayer, several congregants informed the local media that 58 year-old Hasan Sha’ban, a recently divorced middle-manager at a local…
ISIS Leader Adds Ray Rice To Fantasy Football Team
By Yahya Ridwan Following a tough weekend loss to “Khalifa TD Machine(gun),” ISIS spokesperson and executioner Abu Zalat vowed to make drastic changes to his fantasy football team. When asked…
FCC Warns Public: Sexist Uncle Aamir Now On Twitter
Washington D.C. (12:200 P.M. EST)—Speaking urgently at a press conference this morning, FCC Chairmen Tom Wheeler warned the American people that the slightly racist and extremely sexist Uncle Aamir is…
Guy At Back Of Iftar Line Realizes Kabobs A Lost Cause, Will Wait For Eid
By Layla Sabry Baltimore, Maryland (8:31 P.M. EST)–Citing his position as 57th in line, Rameez Jasid concluded this evening that the kabob supply would be exhausted before he even got…
Muslims’ Ramadan Breath Can Be Used As Rocket Fuel, Study Finds
By: Iskander Baydoun Dearborn, Michigan (8:32 P.M. CST)–As many studies documenting the spiritual, health, and societal benefits of Ramadan fasting and rituals begin to resurface with the arrival of Ramadan,…
Suarez Baffled How Muslim Players Will Go 30 Days Without Biting Anyone
By Layla Sabry Rio De Janeiro, Brazil (5:00 P.M. GMT)– After receiving what some would call an excessive punishment by the FIFA Administration, Uruguay Forward Luis Suarez discussed his views…
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