By Yahya Ridwan
As 2016 comes to a close, we take a look back at and commemorate the achievements of some of our most valued community members:
7. Hakeem “I’ll Model For Calvin Klein” Ahmed
Don’t count out Hakeem. He spends most of his time taking steroids, and some of his time working out. This Muslim man barely cracks our list because this year, he learned his multiplication tables – more productivity than can be attributed to others on this list. Nonetheless, Hakeem spends most of his time at the gym looking at himself in the mirror anyways.
6. Jameela “I’m Disappointed in the Masjid” Halaq
Jameela is a mother of two young boys who she drops off at the masjid every other day so that other people can raise them. She doesn’t attend the public weekly halaqas, nor does she stop at traffic signs within the masjid parking lot, but she has lots of great ideas for how to make things better. She really wishes she could do all the work that needs to get done herself, but she can’t because it would take effort and a small time commitment. In lieu of doing the work herself, Jameela still generously offers her criticisms of the entire masjid community on her blog. She’s doing it all for the children, of course.
5. Rollah “Marry Me Yesterday” Hossain
Rollah wants to get married yesterday. She’s been on muslima.com and halfourdeen.com, and is starting to look into using Tinder. Rollah is looking for a sugar daddy that can support her fake Prada addiction. She figures investing her time tricking an eligible Muslim bachelor into marrying her is much easier than hitting the gym and trying to graduate. She has been considering a shift in strategy toward aunt-based solutions, since one of her ugly cousins owns a few dealerships. Meanwhile, she continues to refine her go-to recipes in preparation for her Food Network cooking show, which she assures us is forthcoming. She has only food-poisoned her family three times in the last two years, making her one of the better cooks in her house, second only to her eleven-year-old little know-it-all sister.
4.Hamza “XBox Live Dawah” Anwar
Without a doubt, Hamza is a sub-par Call of Duty player. He plays COD 8 hours a day, one hour less than needed to top our lame-ass list. “That extra hour is clutch. My mom is the one holding me back from success.” Hamza cusses out little kids that cuss on XBox Live. “I hope other XBox Live players are able to see that if a guy with a Muslim Xbox username like mine – Islam4Lyfe– doesn’t tolerate little kids saying inappropriate things– then something is great about the religion I follow.”
3. Kawthar “Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That” Sundus
Kawthar is probably the busiest person in this group. She can’t help her mom with the dishes because her best friend Fatima got “the worst haircut ever” and she has to help her save her social life. She can’t do her homework because “the super important Pretty Little Liars Halloween Special is on tonight” and she clearly can’t record it because it’s not the same if it’s recorded. And she can’t go to Grandma Haftha’s Funeral tonight because as she told her mom, “mama, you don’t understand… I NEED to go with my friends to Palo Alto. This is important.”
2. Rania “I Need to Fix Every Incorrect FB Status” Mahab
Rania takes her civic duties seriously. As a socially-conscious, informed, educated, Muslim she cares about the accuracy of casual Facebook posts. Rania wants to make a difference in the world, one key-stroke at a time, between online episodes of The Walking Dead. She humbly reminded us over twenty times that she isn’t a political activist just because she knows everything about #privilege and #racism. She relayed to us one of her more harrowing experiences fighting injustice on Facebook: “This guy Hamza from my MSA posted an article about Muslims in Malaysia and how we can donate to them through an NGO but of course I had to remind everyone that we should be weary of NGOs and that we probably shouldn’t donate to those orphans because we don’t know whether they’re racist or not. #racism” Our scientists have concluded that Rania is the person we should all unfriend.
1. Raziq “Money Hustle Money” Jasim
Raziq is an A+ investment. The man constantly tweets and posts photos on Instagram about hustling and making money while he’s helping customers at his full-time job at McDonald’s. He recently tweeted that “I be mcdoubling my salary.” The college dropout has a million ideas that he wants programmers and designers to help him create, including an app that matches drivers to customers that want a ride, or another app that allows people to rent out rooms in their house to strangers. Raziq isn’t stingy though, he’s willing to give 1% of the company to the designers and programmers who will make the apps happen, which is fair because he’s a “hustler baby.”
Yahya Ridwan is a staff writer for The Hummus. He can be contacted at hello(at)the hummusnews(dot)com