By Ashraf Qasim
Kansas City, Missouri (6:00 P.M. CST)– Masjid Al-Ameen’s intramural basketball team, The Tawheeds, is outraged this evening after what they’re calling ”a clearly self-serving conversion of brother Tyrone” by the Masjid Al-Saliheen Sidis.
The controversy erupted after final rosters were posted for the upcoming Masjid Slam Tournament. The rosters featured a cast of usual suspects, including Central Mosque’s Ali “The Beard” Siddiqui and Aisha Masjid’s 43 year-old all-star Ayman Zaloughi.
The rosters also featured 27 year-old newcomer and recent convert Tyrone Washington, who will be playing for the Sidis at the upcoming tournament. “Praise be to Jesu-um-Allah for the opportunity to compete with my brothers in the religion of Islam,” said Tyrone at a pre-tournament press conference. “I’m excited to start using profanity and arguing with the referees now that I’m Muslim.”
The Tawheeds, the Sidis’ chief rival, have questioned the dubious timing of Tyrone’s conversion. “Tyrone arrives at practice on time and doesn’t analogize basketball to the Day of Judgment. So of course I have my doubts,” said team captain Ahmed Adil.
Other teams were equally disappointed with the addition of Tyrone to the Sidis roster. “I don’t like making fatwas, but clearly adding him to the roster this late is haram according to scholarly consensus,” said I-slam’s Sayed Qurbani. “But whatever, be bad Muslims if you want.”
Despite the controversy, Tyrone expressed that he will be competing in the tournament. “I owe it to my teammates, to God, and to Jesus Christ to play in this tournament,” he said before drawing an imaginary letter “t” across his chest.
Tournament officials released a statement welcoming Tyrone to his “new Muslim family” and promised to investigate his faith “during the obligatory and abrupt mid-tournament halaqa about respecting women.”
Ashraf Qasim is a staff writer and Central Region Correspondent for The Hummus and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.