Satan Drunk Texts Donald Trump After Campaign Victory

by Yahya Ridwan

Atlanta, GA (3:00 P.M. EST)–Leaked screenshots from Donald Trump’s phone reveal that Satan, man’s ultimate enemy and part-time barista, drunk texted the president-elect following his libelous claims against Muslims last week.

Satan–a former adviser to Trump during the protracted 2011 “Birther” movement–lost contact with Trump after a falling out last year stemming from a dispute over which of the two was more eternally damned.

“We’ve also been dealing with black & white selfies in addition to emotional ‘open letters’ addressed to ‘DT’ since the split,” said Trump Spokeswoman Katrina Pierson. “The Valentine’s Day card crossed the line.”

The latest incident highlights a well-documented one-sided relationship that has publicly unfolded over the last four years.

Satan could not be immediately reached for comment.

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Yahya Ridwan is a staff writer for The Hummus.