Uproar Over Starbucks’ Green “Allahu Akbar” Holiday Cups

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By Yahya Ridwan

Seattle, WA (9:00 p.m. PST)–Thousands of Starbucks patrons across the nation have grown increasingly outraged over Starbucks’ departure from traditional Christmas symbolism this holiday season. Adding fuel to the inferno, Starbucks announced its latest “Allahu Akbar” Christmas cup design this morning.

“Here at Starbucks, we strive to make the holidays a time for warmth and praise of the Almighty Allah,” said Marketing Correspondent Andrea Biltmore. “All praise is due to Him who hath created our limited edition Peppermint Spice Latte, available now through January 14, 2018.”

Countless critics have taken to the internet calling for Starbucks to abandon what is being called a ” ceaseless war on Christmas.” Some have gone as far as to call for a boycott of Starbucks products throughout the holidays. For her part, Biltmore has called these criticisms baseless. “Christmas is an important holiday for many Americans and it is certainly our intention to ensure that it is properly commemorated, under Sharia law.”

Starbucks also announced that Starbucks will be rolling out its limited edition “Pilgrimage to Mecca” cups just in time for Easter.