White Hero Bravely Stares Down Muslim Guy

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By Yahya Ridwan


(Washington D.C., USA 10 AM EST)–Washington D.C. first responders are recovering in the wake of a tense stand-off between a lovable young hero and a Muslim or Latin–possibly Jewish–guy near the Lincoln Memorial earlier this week.

Nick Sandmann, a perfectly-hued Covington High School student, is being hailed as a “modern day Ben Shapiro” for his resilience in the face of being confronted by a sophisticated legacy of racism and a Muslim-looking guy playing a drum. Witnesses at the scene were unable to confirm that the drum was not struck every time a victory mosque is erected in the United States.

For his part, Sandmann is not seeking any glory. “I’m just glad I was able to ignore literally every opportunity to re-examine my beliefs and attitudes.” Asked what he plans to do to recover from the ordeal, Sandmann indicated he would be dedicating more of his time to public service. “This experience has taught me that tolerance of my beliefs is important–I’ll be working to spread them to the American people at the exclusion of all others.”