By Samir Talha
Chicago, IL (12:00 P.M. CST)– Millions of would-be Shafis, Hanafis, Hanbalis, and Malikis lined up one by one, taking turns as the Sorting Hat was laid on each of their heads, and in a few seconds locked in what Madhab they would follow.
A few weeks and several teachings later, the new inductees are running amok in aggressive protests over the Sorting Hat’s assignments and are now calling for reassignment.
This controversy has spurred the most criticism of the Sorting Hat Madhab System since uncle Hamood couldn’t fit the hat on his head nine years ago. He was later given an honorary assignment into all four madhabs and a formal apology from IZNA.
Habiba Qureshi, a Shafi mother, is arguing for reassignment on behalf of her 19 year-old daughter Huma, who she had planned to marry to a family friend’s son. But since the Sorting Hat put her daughter in the Hanafi school, she is free to marry whoever she wants without consulting a guardian.
“I made fifty thousand duas when that hat was on my daughter, Ya Allah Ya Allah please keep her as a Shafi,” Habiba told Hummus News, “When that stupid hat said Hanafi, my heart dropped. Now she can continue talking to that good-for-nothing boy next door and wear those immoral flip flops that show her feet. Astaghfurillah.”
Omar Wasili, a college student at Morehouse, isn’t as happy being a newly-inducted Hanafi. As an ex-Maliki, he is particularly upset over the physical fitness and dietary implications of the change.
“Bro,” Wasili commented, “I gym right after work, and afterwards, I hit the masjid. I love that I keep my hands to my sides during salah, it helps with recovery and gains. Seafood is the perfect source of protein. I’m going to miss Red Lobster. And now there’s that awkward moment when everyone is like ‘Ooh, it’s Asr time’ and I’m thinking ‘Yeaaa…no…’”
Major Islamic institutions responsible for the Sorting Hat Method have been bombarded with reassignment requests. These institutions include the well-renowned IZNA, PrayTwoNow, Dar-Il-Salamander and DAIR.
“We wanted to introduce a system that would eliminate confusion and put Muslims on track to be taught, mentored, and socially nurtured in one particular Madhab without them having to go through the specifics alone,” an IZNA spokesperson said, “We’re currently looking into the matter. In the meantime, our licensing agreement has come to an end and Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, AstaghfirAllah, has taken back the Sorting Hat.”
Despite the outcry, a small minority of students are content with their assignments. Khaliq Khan, formerly a Shafi, now Maliki, enjoys the increased freedom that has come with the change.
“It can be really tedious giving a high five, fist bumping, or accidentally patting a girl on the back based on instinct and then realizing you’ve got to make wudu all over,” Khaliq said, “Now, I can do all that and more, and still hit my prayer right after. Everybody else is just trippin’ it’s not like we can’t choose more than one right?”
Samir Talha is a staff writer and Central Region Correspondent for The Hummus. He can be reached at email@example.com.