Mosque Board Accidentally Makes Reasonable Decision
By Ashraf Qasim Chicago, Illinois (7:30 P.M. CST)– Members of Iman Masjid in downtown Chicago announced this evening that they had unexpectedly made a well thought-out reasonable decision that directly…
21 Year-Old Zainab Finally Getting Married
By Layla Sabry Baltimore, Maryland (5:00 P.M. EST)– After a seemingly endless spousal drought, Usman family sources report that Zainab Usman is now engaged. The announcement came via her mother…
Muslim Frat To Throw Crazy Pizza Party This Weekend
By Ashraf Qasim Ann Arbor, Michigan (7:30 P.M. CST)– The president of the local Muslim fraternity Halal Haram Halal (“HHH”) confirmed this afternoon that they will be hosting an intense…
Muslim Kangaroo Feels Left Out At Afghan Mosque
By Yahya Ridwan Fremont, CA (5:00 P.M. PST)– Sources familiar with the Little Kabul Mosque claim that Mehran, a local Muslim kangaroo, feels ostracized from the exclusively Afghan-tailored house of…
Radical Imam Tears It Up On The Half-pipe
By Zayd Unis Sochi, Russia (7:00 P.M. GMT)– Winter Olympics fans across the world were pleasantly surprised this morning after underdog Imam Faisal Sawany took home the gold in this…
New App Allows Parents To Compare Ahmed To Fictional Children
Redmond, WA (11:30 A.M. PST) — Microsoft, Inc. announced this morning the launch of a new app developed at the request of Muslim parents who desire to compare their children to fictional…
Gender Separation Wall “Can Be Seen From Space,” Boasts Local Imam
By Ashraf Qasim Houston, TX (3:00 P.M. CST)– Local sources confirmed this afternoon that Masjid Al-Fatah’s new gender separation wall between the men’s and women’s prayer hall is observable from…
Apple TV For Muslim Mothers To Include ‘Fast Forward Through Entire PG-13 Movie’ Button
By Hamza Khan Cupertino, CA (10:00 A.M. PST)– Apple representatives were pleased to announce the release of Apple TV For Muslim Mothers this morning at their headquarters in Cupertino. The…
Child At Arab Gathering Summoned From Upstairs Fun, Endures Completion Of Parental Departing Ritual
Aguilar, CO (5:00 P.M. MST)— Sources confirmed this afternoon that local Arab child Little Hamada, as he is known in pick-up soccer games, was summoned from the upstairs portion of the…
Muslim Daughter Feared Missing After Father Calls 38 Times Within 5 Minutes
By Layla Sabry Carlsbad, CA (8:00 P.M. PST)– Local authorities confirmed this evening that alleged abduction victim Selma Bint-Mourad is “unsurprisingly alive and well” after the 23-year-old was once again reported missing…
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