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Satan Drunk Texts Donald Trump After Campaign Victory

Satan Drunk Texts Donald Trump After Campaign Victory

by Yahya Ridwan Atlanta, GA (3:00 P.M. EST)–Leaked screenshots from Donald Trump’s phone reveal that Satan, man’s ultimate enemy and part-time barista, drunk texted the president-elect following his libelous claims…

Donald Trump: “No Prayer Spaces in Muslim Internment Camps If I’m President.”

Donald Trump: “No Prayer Spaces in Muslim Internment Camps If I’m President.”

New York, NY (9:00 p.m. EST)–Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump called a press conference on Monday to announce his plans for banning all prayer spaces in the Muslim Internment Camps he…

Conversion Of Ryan Gosling To Islam Halts Arranged Marriages Nationwide

Conversion Of Ryan Gosling To Islam Halts Arranged Marriages Nationwide

By Yahya Ridwan Burbank, CA (5:00 P.M. PST)– Experts from around the nation gathered in Burbank this afternoon to announce the complete halt to any and all arranged marriages planned…

Obama Invites Fellow Muslim to Bring Clock to Whitehouse

Obama Invites Fellow Muslim to Bring Clock to Whitehouse

By Yahya Ridwan Washington, D.C. (8:00 A.M. EST)–President Obama has announced that he has invited a fellow Muslim, 14 year-old Texas 9th grader Ahmed Mohamed, to the Whitehouse to share…

5 Ways to Welcome Back Shaytan

5 Ways to Welcome Back Shaytan

5.    Make a “welcome back” sign Signs are awesome! They’re easy to read and prove to Shaytan that you have extra time on your hands that he can help fill with…

Ahmed Spends Laylat ul Qadr Earning 1000 Months Worth of Xbox Achievements

Ahmed Spends Laylat ul Qadr Earning 1000 Months Worth of Xbox Achievements

by Yahya Ridwan Chicago, IL (3:00 a.m. CST)–In what is being described by gaming media outlets as “a spectacle of gaming prowess,” Chicago resident Ahmed Dabbousi spent the entirety of…

Snapchat’s Best Friend Feature Was Only Way To Know Nabila Was Talking To Shareef

Snapchat’s Best Friend Feature Was Only Way To Know Nabila Was Talking To Shareef

  by Layla Sabry Manhattan, NYC, NY(5:00 PST)–Last week, Snapchat made two announcements that had Muslims around the world use the smiley face emoji. The first one came early in…

Iraqi Forces Closing In On Cute Little ISIS-Controlled Cupcake Shop

Iraqi Forces Closing In On Cute Little ISIS-Controlled Cupcake Shop

By Yahya Ridwan Baghdad, Iraq (5:00 A.M.GMT)—Iraq’s Prime Minister Haider Al-Abadi announced early this morning that Iraqi forces have nearly secured access to a strategic, locally-owned and operated cupcake shop…

Mosque Heat Vision Cameras Capture Elusive Juma’ah Fart Bandit

Mosque Heat Vision Cameras Capture Elusive Juma’ah Fart Bandit

By Yahya Ridwan Dallas, TX (1:00 P.M. CST)–Leaders at the Maryam Islamic Center in downtown Dallas announced this afternoon the capture of the elusive Juma’ah Fart Bandit, known for his…

Local Imam Weighs In: “The Dress Is Blue And Haram”

Local Imam Weighs In: “The Dress Is Blue And Haram”

By Yahya Ridwan Los Angeles, CA (7:00 P.M. PST)–Masjid Al-Haqq’s Imam and social media heavyweight Yusuf Abu Raas has confirmed that the dress making ripples across the internet this evening…

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