Top 5 Presidential Candidates For Next Year’s Egyptian Revolution
By Mahmoud Zafir The conclusion of Egypt’s latest presidential election has brought cheer and hope to approximately a handful of people. The buzz over General Abdel Fattah El-Sisi’s victory has…
Hostages From Last Night’s Masjid Fundraiser Released Unharmed
By Layla Sabry Columbus, OH (8:00 P.M. EST)– Forty-five congregants of the Sultan Masjid are recovering in their homes this afternoon after last night’s harrowing seven-hour-long fundraiser. Several witnesses watched…
Meet Your Caliph: An In-Depth Interview
Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi is a complicated man. He steps into the interview room sipping a Caramel Javiva from Peet’s™. “Starbucks isn’t even trying anymore,” he remarks as he wipes the…
Mosque League Basketball Team Clearly Converted Tyrone For Upcoming Tournament
By Ashraf Qasim Kansas City, Missouri (6:00 P.M. CST)– Masjid Al-Ameen’s intramural basketball team, The Tawheeds, is outraged this evening after what they’re calling ”a clearly self-serving conversion of brother…
Cries For Reassignment Erupt After Sorting Hat Places Muslims In Undesirable Madhabs
By Samir Talha Chicago, IL (12:00 P.M. CST)– Millions of would-be Shafis, Hanafis, Hanbalis, and Malikis lined up one by one, taking turns as the Sorting Hat was laid on…
Pakistani Baby Implicated In Attempted Murder Pleads Guilty To “Bottle Laundering” Charge
By Tawakul Sayed Lahore, Pakistan (3:00 P.M. GMT)– Police Chief of Lahore, Ahmed Shafique, announced at a press conference this afternoon that baby Musa Khan will plead down to a…
Cold Caused By Going Out With Friends Last Night, Says Local Muslim Mother
By Yahya Ridwan Seattle, WA (9:00 P.M. PST)– Sawsan Majeed, mother of 21-year-old Ahmed Majeed, confirmed this morning that Ahmed’s cold from last night was a direct result of him…
Engineering or Medicine, Hamid’s Parents Declare Support No Matter Which Major He Chooses
By Yahya Ridwan Little Rock, AR (8:30 AM CDT) In a statement released late yesterday evening, the parents of seven-year-old Hamid Gadoon voiced their continued and unwavering support for whatever path…
Recent Comments