Muslims Finally Condemn Ebola, Expert Not Fooled
By Yahya Ridwan Sparked by a reddit debate that ignited yesterday, the official spokesperson of Islam and its 1.5 billion adherents throughout the world delivered remarks from an open letter condemning Ebola.…
ISIS Calls On Supporters To Destroy The AFC West
By Yahya Ridwan New York, NY (3:10 P.M. GMT)–Speaking from the back of his jeep, ISIS spokesman and in-house NFL expert Yusuf Al-Baltimori called on ISIS supporters in the west…
Mosque League Basketball Team Clearly Converted Tyrone For Upcoming Tournament
By Ashraf Qasim Kansas City, Missouri (6:00 P.M. CST)– Masjid Al-Ameen’s intramural basketball team, The Tawheeds, is outraged this evening after what they’re calling ”a clearly self-serving conversion of brother…
Cries For Reassignment Erupt After Sorting Hat Places Muslims In Undesirable Madhabs
By Samir Talha Chicago, IL (12:00 P.M. CST)– Millions of would-be Shafis, Hanafis, Hanbalis, and Malikis lined up one by one, taking turns as the Sorting Hat was laid on…
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Annoying Kid Who Runs Between Prayer Lines Retires
By Yahya Ridwan San Diego, CA (7:30 P.M. PST)- Local annoying child congregant of the Islamic Society of San Diego, Sameer Yunus, age nine, announced his retirement from running between the…
Muslim Kangaroo Feels Left Out At Afghan Mosque
By Yahya Ridwan Fremont, CA (5:00 P.M. PST)– Sources familiar with the Little Kabul Mosque claim that Mehran, a local Muslim kangaroo, feels ostracized from the exclusively Afghan-tailored house of…
Radical Imam Tears It Up On The Half-pipe
By Zayd Unis Sochi, Russia (7:00 P.M. GMT)– Winter Olympics fans across the world were pleasantly surprised this morning after underdog Imam Faisal Sawany took home the gold in this…
Pakistan To Launch Mufti Onto Surface of The Moon To Confirm End of Ramadan, First Day of Eid
Islamabad, Pakistan— (5:00 GMT) Sources have confirmed that the Pakistani Ministry of Religious Affairs plans to send their Chief Mufti Salim Qureshi to the moon on the 27th night of…
Rep. Michele Bachmann: Victory Mosque Cleverly Disguised As Cross-Bearing, Minister-Led Church
Washington D.C. (9:00 A.M. PST)— Representative Michele Bachmann of Minnesota’s 6th District announced the results of her independent investigation into Holy Christ Gatherings Church on the corner of 3rd and…
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