Suarez Baffled How Muslim Players Will Go 30 Days Without Biting Anyone
By Layla Sabry Rio De Janeiro, Brazil (5:00 P.M. GMT)– After receiving what some would call an excessive punishment by the FIFA Administration, Uruguay Forward Luis Suarez discussed his views…
Top 5 Presidential Candidates For Next Year’s Egyptian Revolution
By Mahmoud Zafir The conclusion of Egypt’s latest presidential election has brought cheer and hope to approximately a handful of people. The buzz over General Abdel Fattah El-Sisi’s victory has…
Cries For Reassignment Erupt After Sorting Hat Places Muslims In Undesirable Madhabs
By Samir Talha Chicago, IL (12:00 P.M. CST)– Millions of would-be Shafis, Hanafis, Hanbalis, and Malikis lined up one by one, taking turns as the Sorting Hat was laid on…
Pakistani Baby Implicated In Attempted Murder Pleads Guilty To “Bottle Laundering” Charge
By Tawakul Sayed Lahore, Pakistan (3:00 P.M. GMT)– Police Chief of Lahore, Ahmed Shafique, announced at a press conference this afternoon that baby Musa Khan will plead down to a…
Not To Be Outdone By Russia, Egypt Sentences 530 To Death
Cairo, Egypt ( 10:00 A.M. GMT)– After a recent ruling by an Egyptian judge to summarily execute 530 people, human rights groups and the United Nations Human Rights Watch are applauding…
Lebanon Finally Arrives In Sochi For Winter Olympics
By Sameer Mitwali Sochi, Russia (8:00 P.M. GMT)– Local media outlets in Sochi announced the arrival of the Lebanon International Winter Olympics Team this afternoon. Asif Mubeen, one of the…
Radical Imam Tears It Up On The Half-pipe
By Zayd Unis Sochi, Russia (7:00 P.M. GMT)– Winter Olympics fans across the world were pleasantly surprised this morning after underdog Imam Faisal Sawany took home the gold in this…
Saudi Version of Snow White Features New Mysterious Taller Dwarf, No Snow White
Dammam, Saudi Arabia (6:30 P.M. GMT)— Saudi Arabia’s Minister of Culture and Information, Hisham Shahid, announced today that Disney’s timeless classic Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs has finally been…
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